Hope is enough for today

I had a good day yesterday. It is not the first good day I’ve had since last summer but is one of the few. I feel like I’ve been in a fog. That is what depression causes. You find yourself in a place you’d rather not be and don’t know how to get out of.

I stopped going places by myself, including church. I felt joyless even around the people I love the most. I had anxiety attacks. It’s crazy. I tried to ignore it for a long time thinking it would just go away. It didn’t. Then I tried to handle it myself. I couldn’t. Then I went to counseling and hoped that would change everything. I learned things about myself that no one else understands. Or would believe really.

Who would have guessed I would be someone who feels insignificant. It was a real shocker to me. I’ve had confidence and a perfectly normal healthy self-esteem all my life. Why suddenly in mid-life would that be shaken??? Don’t know. And the counselor couldn’t help me with it to my satisfaction. I’m not going back at the moment.

But then that is the back-story. Yesterday I actually had a song in my heart. I danced – literally danced – in the living room. I took a walk. I got things done without sitting on the couch all day watching TV. It felt good.

There are some lingering questions, some unsolved issues but today I have hope. And hope is enough for me today.